Youth ::

My name is Steph and for the time being I live in Jackson, NJ. It's a small boonie town that literally has nothing to do, that is if you're not into theme parks (or just got sick of going to the same one every day), sports, or drugs. All of which I'm just not down with. I was born in Queens, NY on Feb. 24 1979 making me 23 at the time I'm writing this little 'bio' up. I then moved to Elmont, NY when I was 2 and here when I was 9. Since then my lifes been kind of strange. I was pretty quiet as a kid and won't lie and say I'm not now though I'm just not as bad. I was also pretty strange. Me, Nikki and this other girl we knew were the first 'goth' kids in school while we were there which left us open to a lot of criticism and was actually one of the reasons we became friends. In 10th grade I got into drinking and the drug scene. I honestly can't remember a time between then and the summer after high school where I wasn't high or drunk. Every weekend we'd have woods parties and I'd always get bitched at for coming home at 5am when I was 15 or 16. The summer of 97 was when I stopped. I somehow did something wrong and ended up in my friends moms room slipping in and out of consiousness for 5 hrs. I couldn't move, I couldn't really see and I kinda thought I was going to die. Paranioa at it's finest. I knew there were people coming in and out of the room but I couldn't hear a word they were saying to me and wasn't even sure if they were trying to talk to me. I went home that night and after waking up the next morning I swore off the whole drug thing. I can't say the same for drinking but that hasn't done anything besides get me sick on a few occasions.

After High School ::

I didn't go to college right after High School, I wanted to take a year off which has now turned to almost 5 years off. I did go to Vocational School for Photography in 98 but I left because they were shoving 3 courses into one, so after the photography portion I got my certificate in that and left. In 98-99 I spent most of my time going to concerts, I still do to this day. I don't know I love music more than anything and just like the feel of live shows, it has something you just can't get from a cd. In the summer of 2000 I took a web design course over but didn't learn anything more than what I already know, but still I have a certificate now that still hasn't helped me get a job ha. I worked at a Maternity Store for 3 years then quit due to my moms urging me to work for Brystol-Meyers. I hated that job whole heartingly. I didn't really like the people I worked with and I hated the fact that every morning I walked in having to see torture devices for animal testing. I got laid off from that job in November, went on un-employment for 3 months, hopped a flight to Cali, stayed there for a few weeks, then came home and I am currently working 3, yes 3 jobs. 4 if you count still working for my mother when she needs me. I ended up back at the Maternity Store, but not at only one, but now I work at 2, and I work @ a one hour photo lab.

Future ::

Sometime in the future I want to move to Cali. I always said by 2002 I would live out there and I'm planning on keeping that promise to myself. As soon as I can I will get out there. I don't know why I want to go there so bad, more than likely because I need a change from "Jersey Life" and I hate cold weather. The only thing that has previously stopped me from going there was my mother. A fear that something might happen to her while I'm gone, but I know I could just fly back if so and I can't base my life on her. It may sound a little selfish but it's true. Also I hope to eventually get a job in Web Design or Promotions (music promo that is)  and go back to school to learn all of the stuff I haven't been able to yet. Other than that I don't know. I don't dream of a perfect marriage, or living with some guy with 2.5 kids and a picket fence out front. I'd most likely have to date someone for that to happen and I haven't done that in 4 years eh.

Family ::

My family is a little strange. I wouldn't say it's the worst family but it's not the best either. I love my mother she has done and still does everything humanly possible to help me. A lot of the time I have a hard time admitting that she's right but she usually ends up that way. She's put up with a lot of shit from me and I really commend her for that, having me as a daughter has to be hard. My dad, well he's another story. I honestly don't think of him as my dad half the time. We never talk unless we're fighting or he's calling me names or telling me how useless I am, he drinks way too much and since I was about 13 we lost any kind of relationship we might of possibly had. Maybe it's just hard for him to see me grow up or whatever but he should know I'm smarter than to let myself get into stupid situations and shit like that. I don't think either of my parents trust me much but I do know that they know I'm not that stupid. I have told my mom almost everything that has happened to me in the past and I'm glad I have because it brought us a lot closer. I also have one brother, we used to fight constantly but since he moved out we've kind of become friends and I'm glad. Scary to say I actually think he's kind of cool. Shh.

Music ::

Some people like cooking, some people like gardening...I like music. I don't think I could ever imagine my life without it. To a lot of people music is just something you listen to while you're driving, for me it's part of my drive, part of my life, part of me, and it has been since I was about 7 years old in a record store buying Bon Jovi and Twisted Sister cassettes. The first time I ever saw Robert Smith on TV I wanted him to kidnap me and be my daddy (not in that sense pervo's I was too young to think about that..boys had cooties then ;p) and yeah I wanted to marry Joe Elliott. I was a strange kid I tell you. People go to clubs, I go to shows. If there's not a show going on I don't know what to do with myself. I have a lot of friends in bands, and I love them all. Actually sadly enough I don't think I have any male friends who aren't in bands weather they be famous or local, on the rare occasion I do go to a club and meet someone they're in the industry one way or another (or wanna be, or just like to think they are). I don't know why that is. I know why I'm friends with a lot of them, because I have a lot in common with them and my boys are cool as all hell, and on top of everything they're just people anyway, so what if they have a cooler job than me. Nothing is better than a live show. Nothing is better than being able to sit there and talk to someone about something that interests you both. The word groupie does not exist in my vocabulary...read below. At least not in the "fucking people because of their status" sense...if I am EVER with a band dude it's a band dude I know, like (in that way), and know won't pull a fast one and ditch me next time he's around. It's a rare occasion if it does happen..very rare. Half the time I'm hanging out with these friends of mine I forget they're even in a band until someone comes up and freaks out over them, or they mention doing a show or some shit...maybe I'm just jaded. Anyways...

Relationships ::

Now for the guy drama. I've never really had a good relationship with a guy, and I guess that's why I've been single for so long. My first boyfriend cheated on me with one of my good friends. My second cheated on me with her sister who was also a good friend of mine, my 3rd cheated on me with the sister, 2 of my other good 'friends' and at least 6 other random girls I found out about, my 4th well he only cheated on me with 3 people that I know of in a 2 year period but all in all it's still the same...and so goes my history. All throughout High School I was dating someone or seeing someone. I think in total I was single for 2 weeks between 10th grade and the year after I got out of school. I've only dated 8 or 9 people but all of the 'relationships' ended in cheating or just some stupid break up. There are 2 of them that I know never cheated on me and one I dated for 2 weeks the other was 3 months or something like that. I've been scared to get into something else that's why I think I've been shoving people around. I've had a few 'one night' stands or whatever always with people I've known but yeah I know I don't want to be like that for the rest of my life, I'm still friends with those people and yeah I guess in that sense I'm lucky. I only sleep with people I actually like, there was one instance where it was a real one night stand, I met the guy that night and we ended up sleeping together but I didn't want to and yeah....I'm sure you get the rest. It's really hard for me to believe someone would like me. I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone. If I like someone I try to suppress it but there have been 3 instances where I just can't. It's kind of been something where you would have to be stupid not to know. Either that or I still managed to hide it without knowing. All I really want right now I guess is someone I'm able to tell about my past, my problems, and all that shit and someone I can be myself around totally. Someone more like me I guess since most of the guys I've been with have been complete opposites. I just want to be with someone who wants me for more than a sex toy ya know? That appreciates the fact that I'm around. That realizes I have a brain and not just a body. I guess some day it will happen. I want someone to tell me they care, or to pay full attention to me in a room full of people. I don't know I could babble about this forever. Someone finally gave me the one thing I have wanted to do the most in the longest time. Sad, but true I have never slept with someone..not in the sexual sense but actually just slept with someone, had them hold me while I was asleep, had them next to me, never fell asleep listening to someone else's breathing..you get the point well maybe I did once but I knew that it meant nothing to the person who was lying there. Or I should say I *had* never...but it happened and I don't think that person or anyone for that matter realizes how awesome, special, nice, relieveing, etc. that was for me, esp. since I believe that it was something or meant something even if it's just a friendly something or whatever the case may be...And I thank them for that weather they ever read this or not. It meant a lot. It sounds completely cheesy but I'm one of those silly people who think kissing is more passionate than humping and yadda yadda. I dunno maybe I'm just a weirdo...

The End ::

I guess that's all I really have to say. If you really want or care to know more about me get to know me. My e-mail address is on here somewhere. Later.

Last edited : April 21, 2002