Emotions running wild. Something is happening tonight. I cant tell whether this is good or frightfully horrible. I can't see past you, I can't even see myself. Or tell if I am really even here, if I'm really even who I seem to be. Or if I'm acting as you'd all expect me to be. Forgotten feelings, unintentionally, afraid of the pain, afraid to let myself care, or to let you know that I do...

With every step you take closer, I seem to be pulling away, with every breath you breathe, every word you speak, I seem to be losing another piece of myself, replacing the me with pieces of you. Attempting to mild myself, maybe so you like me more, maybe so I like myself more. Not much to build on considering I dong like myself very much...

I played it off pretty well though. The act. The carefree way I seem to live my life, the happiness I seemed to have, the popularity...

But if you'd take the time to look past the surface, dig deeper. You'd see that I'm not that person you thought I was. That person sitting up on the pedestal you personally constructed for me. That person is nothing. No one. That is just an image. An image I used to feel I had to live by, that I thought made me happy. In actuality, THAT image is what brought me down. THAT is why I am left here lying on the cold concrete. THAT is why I am, hypothetically, dead.

I mean, you would consider someone who has no feelings dead...Right?

Look at me. I don't think I know how to feel. I think I don't know how to love. If I was doing it right, I wouldn't be in the position I am now...would I?

I've gone over it in my head again and again. Trying to figure out just when things started collapsing around me. Trying to find the meaning behind all of this. And I keep ending up in the same place. Nowhere.

Nothing new is happening. The same repetitive actions filling each week, month, year, Making me sick. I'm making myself sick.

And what is the point of all this rambling? I don't think it has one. I don't think I was trying to make one. Or maybe I was? either way, does it matter? Was it made? Or did I lose you a few paragraphs ago?

Don't feel bad. I lost myself a long time ago.

'2000